How To Even (Just in case you can't)

In the modern world, it is important that one knows how to even.  Evening allows one to act and react with correctness, and if you are stuck in a period where evening has become difficult, you can't always get back to the even world.  Isn't that odd?  Here are some basic tips on how to even, just in case you can't.

1.  Count to ten.  Sometimes to regain your evenness, you must calm yourself down.  Counting to ten is also a good choice because ten is an even number.  Avoid counting to odd numbers like nine, or fifteen, especially prime numbers like five and thirteen.  Prime numbers are the demons of odd.  If you can't count to ten, don't worry!  Repeating the number ten over and over can have a similar effect in the end.

2.  If counting to ten, or repeating the number over and over does not convert you to even, try purchasing coffee.  Coffee is scientifically proven to increase evenness in 94% of females, and 87% in males.  The best coffee to purchase to regain the ranks of the even is Starbucks.  While you're at it, you can get some pastries too.  Pastries are known to expedite the chances of evening.

3.  If Starbucks doesn't help, then you might have a serious case of the odd, which results in speechlessness, blond moments, and meaningless giggling.  If these side effects of odd are present in you, then it could be very serious.  Withdraw all the money from your bank account, and purchase the latest iPhone available, multiple times if needed, until symptoms disappear.  WARNING!  This method will only work with iPhones of the latest model, not previous iPhones, or other types of smart phones.

4.  If you have bought all Apple's stock of phones, or you don't have the money to continue this treatment, then the odd has already infected your brain.  This could be fatal, so follow this last treatment carefully:  Take as many selfies with other people as you can.  It is said that if one takes 1,000 selfies with their friends (which would really be a togetherie), then there is a chance the Starbucks Goddess will bestow upon you good health.  This happens to include being able to even.  It's a last chance hope, but it isn't impossible.

Not being able to even can lead to severe oddness, which in turn can be fatal.  These steps are designed to help all people with enough money to return to evening.  If oddness has stolen your even, and evening is too odd to even even, then being odd could even be the oddest way to even take your evenness.  Ok, now I can't even....

10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10........

-Dylan Crigger